Medically reviewed by Andrew Crawford, Registered Psychological Associate.
Last updated: May 13, 2026
Time to read: ~15 minutes
Borderline personality disorder in relationships is often misunderstood as instability or manipulation, when at its core it reflects a profound fear of abandonment colliding with an equally intense longing for closeness. BPD shapes relationships through a recurring push-and-pull pattern, where the intensity of connection a person craves is often matched by the intensity of their fear of losing it.
If you or someone you love has BPD, here’s what too few people are told: stable, loving, long-term relationships are absolutely possible, but they’re built on treatment, self-awareness, and honest communication—not on finding a partner patient enough to weather every storm. In this guide, I’ll cover what borderline personality disorder in relationships looks like, how to spot problems, and how to work through them together.
If you are struggling with relationships, residential treatment for BPD can help you understand the condition and cope with the challenges faced.
What Is BPD?
By its nature of being a personality disorder, BPD is a pervasive pattern of behavior that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts. BPD is most commonly known for its characteristic symptom of “splitting” but involves numerous other symptoms consistent with the diagnosis. BPD is primarily characterized by instability and impulsivity.
This includes numerous aspects of the person’s life, including interpersonal relationships, self-image, and mood. BPD doesn’t have just one cause and has been traced back to chemical imbalances in the brain, environmental factors, and more.
According to the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) Diagnostic and Statistic Manual, Fifth Edition (DSM-V), a diagnosis of BPD involves the presence of five or more of the following symptoms:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. These typically alternate between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
- An unstable self-image that is significant and persistent.
- Impulsivity in two or more potentially self-damaging behaviors.
- Recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, or self-mutilation.
- Unstable mood.
- Chronic feeling of emptiness.
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.
- Transient, stress-related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms.
Do I have BPD?
Take our BPD self-test as a starting point if you are trying to determine whether yourself or a loved one has BPD. This should not be taken as healthcare advice, just a conversation starter for a doctor or psychological diagnostics professional.
Relationship Pitfalls of BPD
These symptoms can create significant difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships. Understanding the interplay between these symptoms and how that can birth issues within relationships can be a useful starting point.
Instability
The instability of BPD can create significant issues in developing and maintaining healthy relationships. One reason many people choose to be in a long-term relationship with another individual is for stability. In BPD, this stability is absent, which changes the relationship’s dynamic. A person with BPD might be terrified of abandonment one minute and then want to be isolated the next. This constant push and pull can be confusing and tiresome for a partner.
Abandonment
A persistent fear of abandonment can feed a tendency toward stress-related paranoia. One might closely monitor their partner’s every word or action, searching for a sign that they will leave or cheat on them. This can come across as severe, unwarranted jealousy and distrust, especially if the partner doesn’t understand this aspect of the disease process. In most instances, jealousy and distrust can set a relationship down a disastrous road.
Impulsivity
While the fear of abandonment can cause paranoia about a partner’s loyalty, in many instances, the person with BPD is more likely to struggle with being faithful. The impulsivity of participating in potentially self-damaging behaviors can include a tendency toward sexual impulsivity. Beyond the betrayal trauma to a partner, sexual impulsivity can strain a relationship in numerous ways. Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancies are two of the most significant risks of this behavior.
Splitting
People with BPD tend to see things in black or white without shades of gray. This act of categorizing into extremes or “splitting” can be problematic for a relationship. While one might place the person they enter into a relationship with into a “good” category, it doesn’t typically last. By viewing this person as an ideal mate, they can set the relationship up for failure when their partner does something contradictory to this label. This can result in pushing their partner into the opposite category and abruptly ending or sabotaging the relationship.
Managing Relationships With BPD
Having a healthy relationship while managing your BPD is difficult, but it isn’t impossible. Two significant components critical to this include getting treatment and being open about this diagnosis.
Get Treatment
A critical step to participating in a healthy and sustainable relationship is to seek treatment for BPD. Most people bring some baggage into a new relationship, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try to minimize the amount. Seeking a new relationship while struggling with an untreated mental disorder like BPD can be a recipe for disaster. Conversely, when this condition is treated and managed, the relationship has better odds of success.
Treatment for BPD typically involves a combination of medication and psychotherapy. In particular, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a critical aspect of BPD treatment. DBT teaches skills to manage and cope with the intense emotions that often drive behaviors associated with this condition. The healthier a person is, the healthier the people they attract into their life, and the better poised the relationship will be to thrive.
Be Open About Your Diagnosis
People will have tough days regardless of how consistent they are with their therapy and medications. Sometimes BPD symptoms will be less controlled than is desired. On these days, it can be helpful to have friends, family, or a partner who understands the condition. Understanding can go a long way toward keeping a relationship strong during trying times.
One of the best ways to develop these types of relationships is to be honest and open about the condition from the start. This allows others to learn more about BPD and what to expect from its symptoms. Having time to prepare can make those situations more manageable, and honesty creates stronger relationships built on trust and vulnerability.
If you are researching on behalf of a loved one or partner, just know there are recommended ways you can help them access care if they are struggling.
What Next?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a complex personality disorder characterized by instability and impulsivity. These behaviors are especially prominent when it comes to relationships with others. Understanding how the symptoms of BPD interact and contribute to these interrelational struggles is a critical step in learning how to prevent and control these issues.
At Southern California Sunrise Recovery Center, we know how difficult BPD can be for our clients and their loved ones. We aim to provide the understanding, treatment, and resources needed to manage your BPD and maintain functional, thriving relationships. If you or a loved one has BPD and feel it is affecting your relationships, call us at (949) 284-7325.
Borderline Personality Disorder & Relationships FAQ
Here are some questions people also ask about BPD in relationships:
Can someone with borderline personality disorder have a healthy relationship?
Yes. People with BPD can build stable, loving, and lasting relationships, especially with consistent treatment. Evidence-based therapies like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) teach the emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness skills that protect relationships from the cycles BPD can create. With treatment and a supportive partner, healthy long-term relationships are absolutely possible.
Why are relationships with someone who has BPD so intense?
BPD is driven in part by an intense fear of abandonment and difficulty regulating emotions. That combination can make connection feel euphoric and conflict feel catastrophic, sometimes within the same day. The intensity isn’t manipulation, it reflects how strongly the person experiences emotion, attachment, and the threat of loss.
What is a “favorite person” in BPD?
A “favorite person” (often shortened to FP) is someone a person with BPD attaches to with unusual emotional intensity, typically a partner, close friend, or family member. The FP becomes a primary source of emotional regulation, which can create a powerful bond but also a fragile dynamic where small ruptures feel devastating. Therapy helps redistribute that emotional weight more sustainably.
What is splitting in a BPD relationship?
Splitting is a defense mechanism where a person with BPD perceives others as either entirely good or entirely bad, with little gray area in between. A partner might feel idealized one day and rejected the next. Splitting isn’t intentional cruelty, it’s a symptom of unstable self-image and difficulty holding mixed feelings, and it responds well to targeted therapy.
Do people with BPD push their partners away?
Sometimes, yes, and often without meaning to. The fear of being abandoned can paradoxically lead to behaviors that test, distance, or sabotage the relationship before the feared rejection can happen. This pattern is one of the clearest signs that professional support is needed, because it tends to repeat across relationships until the underlying triggers are treated.
How can I support a partner with borderline personality disorder?
Stay consistent, set calm and clear boundaries, and avoid matching emotional escalation. Educate yourself about BPD so symptoms don’t feel personal, and encourage your partner to engage in evidence-based treatment. Couples counseling and your own individual therapy can also help. Most importantly, supporting a partner doesn’t mean being their only source of regulation.
What is the most effective treatment for BPD?
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is the gold-standard treatment for borderline personality disorder and was originally developed specifically for it. Other approaches, including CBT, schema therapy, and mentalization-based therapy, can also help, often within a structured program. For severe symptoms or co-occurring conditions, a residential mental health program offers the immersive support needed to build skills that hold up in real relationships.
